Alright kids, it’s finally time to resume my pretty awful hockey picks. I know you’ve all probably heard of/been in contact with the swine flu by now and it’s probably my fault in some way or another. After an epic week of partying to conclude the winter semester I contracted some type of super virus. I had swine before it was even popular. Not much has changed since I posted a month ago other than the Apple Juice community of Ottawa should be sending me a thank you card for the gallons I’ve drank trying to rid myself of this pork-ridding disease.

Alright, down to business. My round 1 NHL hockey picks fared decently well. I went 5 for 8 which in these economic turbulent times is respectable. Our good friend Oral-B went 6 for 8 and McGuire went 5 for 8 as well. Crap. I tied Pierre. What a disappointing series of events. However, you should see how smart I was in my picks. I correctly predicted that number 1 pick in the west either makes it to the cup final or loses in the first round (Sharks out after 1) and I solved the debate over which Championship covers more sports karma (NFL all the way, should have known).

 Round 2 I did not get my picks out in time, however Oral-B slipped up slightly, going 2 for 4. But! This doesn’t matter because he’s picking Carolina and the Blackhawks in the finals, with the Blackhawks winning it all. Now that’s a solid pick. My Stanley Cup picks went out in the first and second round (Philly/Sharks, and then changed to Vancouver/Carolina). So I’m going to stay away from NHL hockey picks and leave it to the expert known at Oral-B. How is Pierre McGuire doing? Who the hell knows! His hockey picks are more hidden than the reason he’s still an analyst for TSN/NBC. So McGuire/Swine flu may have taken me down, but Oral-B will live forever and we shall have a Stanley Cup parade for him like the city of Boston did for Ray Bourque.

So there you have it folks. Just wanted to get these picks up there before things start getting crazy and I get some second round of weird animal disease. I assume the next one will be either squirrel or skunk related. Around my house they are like the other type of homeless person. You usually have to walk by them slowly so they won’t bother you and can’t leave things out at night or they’ll get into them.

Alright, this wasn’t that interesting of a post so I apologize; funnier ones to come. I’ll leave you with the greatest boxer of our lifetime practicing for his next fight. Hopefully he doesn’t have to fight anything with a bit more pixels. Yah that’s right, I went there.

And that’s a barely literate post.

If the internet had balloons and streamers, this post would be full of them. Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the first of many MorethenmaN sports reports. Sports, Sports, Sports. This is basically the reason I pushed for a website; an enjoyable forum for me to rant about sports and try to predict things like I have some special insight into the game. I do however have a unique view since growing up in the hometown of Toronto Maple Leaf great Tim Horton, I spent my nights skating on a homemade rink. How does this make me any different than most every other Canadian? Well, I haven’t told you that I lived next door to a 24 hour Tim Hortons. That’s right people. Growing up in the hometown of a hockey great + skating on an outdoor rink x living a few hundred feet from the restaurant the hometown hockey great created = ability to predict sports like no-one else.

Do I really need to prove myself more? The first year I started predicting seriously, playing against myself (a theme that stayed constant throughout my youth) I correctly predicted the Calgary Flames would be in the cup finals the year they lost to Tampa Bay. If you were in my high school TA, you would remember this since I predicted it loudly to the 5 other people sitting in the classroom. (I also predicted the NY Islanders would go to the east finals, and I think they were swept out in the first round)

What I really wish to accomplish with NHL preview is showcase not only my superior knowledge of all things frozen ice, but take down one TV personality in particular. Pierre McGuire, it’s on. I am dedicating 2009 to taking you down several pegs. You’re like an unfunny George Costanza whose one claim to fame is sucking too much as the coach of Hartford that they moved the team to Carolina, and “won” two Stanley Cups as an assistant coach with the Pittsburgh Penguins in 1991 and 1992. I’m pretty sure I could have played the role of HEAD coach in the situation. “Okay Mario….pass to Jagr…or shoot”. To showcase that anyone can beat you at hockey picks, I have enlisted the help of a good friend, who will go be the name OralB. He knows of sports and of the existence of the hometown Senators and as he says, “I recently learnt what icing meant.” His picks will of course be the OralB Advantage. It’s on McGuire; bring on that big body presence.

ROUND 1

EASTERN CONFERENCE

BOSTON BRUINS VS MONTREAL CANADIANS

This is an easy one. Boston is just a far and away better team and as we know, defence wins championships. The goalie tandem of Thomas/Fernandez gave up a league low 120 goals (5 on 5) while Montreal and Price let in 151 goals. Add that with the fact that Boston is ranked second in the league in scoring and poor Montreal seems to be screwed this time. Boston played the Canadians to the brink of elimination last year and Boston has a far and away better team this year while Montreal did everything they could to miss the playoffs.

Boston it is.

Pierre McGuire: Boston.
The OralB Advantage: Montreal, “..because they are Canadian”

WASHINGTON CAPITALS VS NEW YORK RANGERS

Ovechkin had his first taste of the playoffs last year and this year followed up a Heart Trophy year with 54 goals and 56 assists. The Rangers took in Sean Avery. Enough said. New York may have the better goaltender, Theodore has never given anyone much confidence and Lundqvist is the goalie I would pick if I started a franchise today. Washington also has more firepower to throw at Lundqvist, with 4 players scoring more points than the top New York player. However, that one player is Scott Gomez and if I’ve learnt anything from the NHL, it’s that Scott Gomez scores about 200 goals in the playoffs.

I’ve almost talked myself out of it, but Washington wins.

Pierre McGuire: Washington
The OralB Advantage: New York, “Much better city than Washington, DC.”

CAROLINA HURRICANES VS NEW JERSEY DEVILS

There is no rhyme or reason why I’m picking the way I am for this series. I’m not using stats, a player’s nationality or ability to grow a playoff beard.  Carolina has been on a roll as of late and I know that is supposed to mean nothing but….I don’t care. I’m picking against the logic and memory that Buffalo did this year ago when Hasek brought them into the playoffs and then they lost in the first round. In every other sport, momentum is supposed to carry over into the playoffs. Devils have one, if not the, greatest goalie’s in NHL history. He’s fully rested and didn’t need to carry the team and they still finished third in the conference. Cam Ward will come up huge these playoffs and I have a feeling about this team.

Carolina wins it.

Pierre McGuire: New Jersey (Hartford still hates you too)
The OralB Advantage: Carolina, “Weren’t they good a couple years ago?”

PHILADELPHIA FLYERS VS PITTSBURGH PENGUINS

The Flyers allowed 1 fewer goal and scored two more then the Penguins did this season. What does this mean? Very little, but I’m taking this and saying that this combination will lead the Flyers to many victories this post-season. Also this will break the long-standing debate about which sport has the greatest carry-over luck. You see, the Philadelphia Phillies won the World Series, but the Pittsburgh Steelers won the Super Bowl.  One city will go on a roll and win for a while. (look at Boston, except the Bruins. Is that a sign that this year it’s the Bruins turn? Probably that this whole picking sports is bullshit)

Flyers win this series and a couple more.

Pierre McGuire: Pittsburgh (dance with who brung yah)
The OralB Advantage: Pittsburgh, “Crosby plays for them. He’s whiny”
 

WESTERN CONFERENCE

ANAHEIM DUCKS VS SAN JOSE SHARKS

The Ducks got on a roll late to make the playoffs. San Jose has the best record in the league, which can sometimes curse a team, or they win the Stanley Cup. No room in between really.  Let’s hope that Cheechoo and Thornton light it up and really, who can cheer against Rob Blake? He’s so delightfully old and looks like an old pet.

San Jose win

Pierre McGuire: Sharks
The OralB Advantage: Anaheim, “They beat the Sens that one time so they must be decent”

COLUMBUS BLUE JACKETS VS DETROIT RED WINGS

Really? Columbus? Don’t worry, next year will Rick Nash go somewhere like Toronto and Ohio can continue forgetting about their NHL team and can go back to watching the Cavs and Browns play.

Detroit wins, even if they start me in goal.

Pierre McGuire: Detroit
The OralB Advantage: Detroit, “Who the hell are they? What’s a Blue Jacket”

ST. LOUIS BLUES VS VANCOUVER CANUCKS

Blues barely made the playoffs, but they are like Carolina and are entering on a roll. Vancouver has the second best goalie in the league in Luongo…..but I don’t care. Vancouver always chokes and this season will be no different.

St Louis starts a roll for the city which will end in the Rams and Cardinals being awesome this season.

Pierre McGuire: Vancouver
The OralB Advantage: Vancouver, “They have a whale as their mascot.”

CALGARY FLAMES VS CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS

All signs point to Calgary winning, especially since Chicago has a goalie that could be our father.
Could you bet on this face?

Didn’t think so. Unless they put in Huet and he does something extra special, this is Calgary’s year.

Calgary wins a good one. Not a chance I’m going with McGuire again. Chicago wins in a sweep. In Nikolai we trust.

Pierre McGuire: Calgary.
The OralB Advantage: Chicago, “Injins”

STANLEY CUP PREDICTIONS

And there you have it folks, close to 1500 words of which not even my parents will read all of. I’m riding the winner of the Philly/Pittsburgh series to the cup final however Cheechoo finally brings the Stanley Cup back to Moose Factory, where it belongs. Once again McGuire, it’s on. Do you know how hard it was to find your playoff picks? I have to go to the sports illustrated American website since you didn’t post them on TSN.ca, even though you work for them. Hmm?? Worried we might call you on your picks? Didn’t think I would have too much time on hands during exam season at university? Think again McGuire.

And that’s an NHL 2009 Playoff Preview.