What is on your collective minds today Blog Browsers? 

OH! Really that is what you would like to know?

This is very interesting, I think I might have to make a show about it. I shall call it Manswers……………

Or as the rest of us call it WTF! (Yes BS I used one in my blog!). Manswers has to be the top thing in two different categories. Number one, it is the top of the list in dumbest show ever created, and number two you ask, well it also happens to be the funniest show ever created, but not the ha ha funny, more like the, that is the dumbest question I have ever heard of.

The show does have some shining moments for Men, only men, otherwise it would be called Womanswers (but that is just silly). The show always and I mean ALWAYS has a question about boobs and/or sex. For instance, what sized boob can crush an empty can of beer? For those of you wishing to know the manswer to that I’m sorry but I didn’t stick it through the episode. The next time I watched it there was, where is it legal to tape voyeur sexual acts? This one I stuck out, I was interested although I was pretty sure I knew the manswer to this one. The manswer…. nowhere, people have to know when you are taping them, acts of the bedroom is private time and private time is not to be taped unless there is consent. 

I guess to get to the point, I like that this show exists. It is totally pointless, that meaning no point whatsoever, it is not sharp, it is not ever really dull that is how much it lacks a point, hmmm what? Oh yes the point. How does this show still on the air months later? How do they keep on finding dumb little trivia questions to entice guys who clearly have nothing better to do? After watching an episode about one week ago I can tell you why!!!

The occasional bring out a useful fact that you might end up using. No no, its not how is the best way to have scuba sex. No its not even how to improve you urinal aim. It is the ones that relate to you, the average american hillybilly.

WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOUR JUNK GETS CAUGHT IN YOUR ZIPPER?!

Now I have never had this happen, I have had some close calls for sure, because as Manswers taught me, Canada is a pretty well endowed country, but imagine if it did happen, what would you do? Maybe you would just rip it like a bandage, call 911 akin Something About Mary, Vaseline, slow motion, or any variation of those. Do you know what the manswer is though? Well it will be on right after the horniest animal in the world, the Pygmy Chimp, now enjoy 2-3 minutes of Pygmy Chimps humping along their merry way.

I’m sure many of you reading this own at least one baseball cap. Even if you’re part of the minority that hasn’t, chances are that you’ve probably put one on before. I’m a big fan of the cap. Nothing like buying one either. I have enough Denver Broncos caps to…….well at the very least impress some. I hope. I like the new invention of the caps with the closed back. I think that’s how you explain it. No velcro or adjustable straps needed. Mostly I just enjoy it because now the caps are a bit bigger and I’m able to fit both my large head and abundance of hair inside. I don’t rock a ponytail so to me, this is the best style.

Now this isn’t a column praising the cap itself. Well, column is a strong word. Very strong actually. More like, “This is a bullshit blog that someday hopes to grow up and become a column.” I’m about to shed light on the single worst crime against the cap wearing community since the anti-capites held that rally years ago: the sticker that is left on the bottom of the cap.

Alright people, you know who you are. Really? Does this look good? Do you stare up at it as you are walking and think: “yeah, this is officially licensed merchandise from Major League Baseball.”  Who the hell cares where you bought your cap. I don’t give two shits if you bought it for $400 or some beggar in Chinatown in a bundle deal that include 4 fake Rolexes and the new Harry Potter movie. You are supposed to support your team (which is pathetic enough. I should know, I’ve been buying Broncos merch for years and still have yet to receive a super bowl ring). I saw the worst case of this last month. Someone was wearing a Pittsburgh Pirates cap with a sticker on the brim as usual. NO-ONE IS A PIRATES FAN! You can’t even find people in Pittsburgh who will be caught wearing one. They probably thought the ‘P’ logo stands for Punk or something. (More like Pathetic. Oh. Burn.) I don’t even really have a problem with people wearing stupid caps. Lord knows there are enough camo-styled caps out there to sink a couple boats. Oh and PS> we can see you.  You aren’t in the military so take it off and throw on something more styling, like those caps you’d get for raising $100 for Jump Rope for Heart. Now those are cool.

Whatever reason you wear a cap, please take off the sticker and tags. They are there so you can tell it is new in a store, not for parading around the street like you’re some type of moron. Maybe you stole it and you’re trying to be cool? No you didn’t! They have those giant sensors on the sides on them in the store so jackasses like you can’t run off with a $30 hat. And what if you get caught in the rain? Do you weep for days if the hat gets wet and the sticker slides off? Or did you also purchase one of those protective shower cap things that the police wear? So next time you pass someone on the street and you see that under the brim of their perfectly straight baseball cap is a shiny round gold sticker, please laugh at them. THAT REMINDS ME!! CURVE THE BRIM OF YOUR GOD DAMN HAT!! Remember when you were younger and made fun of the kids whose cap wasn’t curved? Imagine they added a sticker of ….say a unicorn or something.  That’s basically what goes on today. Except instead of a unicorn, it’s a sticker with a number on it. Oh, and that sticker means very little since it is THE MEASUREMENT OF YOUR HEAD. I don’t care how big your head is or whatever else your compensating for. Rip off the sticker and curve the brim please.

And that’s a rant.

Steven Harper

The Right Honourable most ugly man I have ever seen or heard of (This rating includes Nick Nolte). The man continues to cause me pain even when he isn’t in front of a camera. Yesterday morning, well actually two nights ago I began a journey into what many would consider the unknown (dah dah dah), hospital emergency rooms. Now as most of us Canadians are aware, Harper cut taxes back 2% meaning that somewhere along the line services provided by the government would have to be rolled back. These roll backs I assure you hit hospitals hard (not to mention a lot of other places). 2% may seem like a small deal to most of us, because to an individual 2% does almost nothing. For me personally, neither have I purchased a car, nor have I purchased a house. These two things are really the only things outside luxury items that gain any real capital for the tax payer. If you consider that buying groceries (if you buy $100 before tax) you would only be saving $2 of taxes but mind you only grocery and frozen items get taxed, dairy, deli, bakery, and meats are not taxable items, so in reality you save about $.75.

The point however is that this really adds up for the government. The money saved by the consumer is little (that is established), however consider how many people buy groceries a day just at your store. Let us say for argument that 400 people buy $100 of groceries at your local supermarket (a comparably low number, most city grocery stores pull in 1 million plus in sales in a week). So calculating the possible difference in taxes of a miniscule $.75 we have a difference of $300 not going to the government to reallocate to programs. Put into consideration my mass under estimation and multiply that by 365 and you have a rough amount of what Harper has taken out of our social system (for those of you who care my numbers add up to $109,000 but also take into consideration that most city grocers take in about 4 times my taken amount).

So that amount could actually pay for eight nurses or four doctors. Something our hospitals need, badly. No matter where I go in my city for an emergency visit I may have to wait for upwards of 12 hours. By going at non-busy hours you still do not avoid waiting ridiculous times, because the low flow times also have a no flow amount of staff. Recently I have gone in for broken bones and possibly infected limbs to have each outcome the same, my procedure takes 20-30 minutes but the next patient is not seen until 2-3 hours later (CRAZY!!!!!). When there are only 3 people in front of you to see a doctor to you expect to wait 9 hours, that my friends is ridiculous, but unfortunately we cannot afford to have doctors caring for patients in beds and patients entering the hospital via ambulance and emergency. It just seems to me that the more power we give Harper the more likely we are to be giving away our healthcare.

Remember when people didn’t have a cell phone? I enjoyed it. I know that I shouldn’t really complain much since I’m one of those people with their own personal 9 digit numbers and a voice mail box. In reality though, there’s no excuse to not have one anymore. The only people who don’t have one are doing it because “They don’t need one.” Or “everyone else already has one” I used to be that person. Then I thought about it and neither are umbrellas. You can get wet. But if you’re smart enough to actually purchase one, you know you will always be near someone and they’ll ask: “hey, can I stand under it too?” Oh sure, why not? Not like I needed both sides of my body dry. So I encourage everyone to buy an umbrella and a cell phone or wait until you get home to make a call and dry off when you are there.

So yes, cell-phones are the devil. Why is there even a vibrate mode? Who hasn’t been somewhere and there’s been a cell phone on the table and it’s just a loud annoying buzz? Stop that. It would be better if it was the latest Avril Lavigne song or some Star Wars quote. (sk8ter boi and Chewbacca’s growl is preferred)  And when did this become socially acceptable? Everyone texts during meetings and class now without any consequence. Well, except for me leering at them from afar. Once again, you aren’t that important. It can wait the 90 minutes to respond to how much your new best friend forever’s crush looks like that kid on Gossip Girl.

As you can see I’m frustrated with all things technology and it’s not for the reason you think. In this case, I’m actually killing the messenger.  Today for the umpteenth time, the prestigious National Art Centre called me asking for my continued financial support of their ever growing empire. This problem is back from when I would attend NAC events on a regular basis and pay for parties ranging from 2-5 people. I know it makes me seem like a big spender, but I’m not. I’m a student and most times people paid me back. But in their system, I must be under the category of “Way too much money to know what to do with” or “A great supporter of the arts” or “Trying to impress more than one person”. Although the ladder two are usually correct, I’m just a poor student. I can’t actually afford to spend $500 on a season pass. I have nothing against the NAC. No wait, I do. I’m sure these people must be competent. They put on great shows and playing an instrument isn’t the easiest thing to do. But when I tell them in 2007 that I can’t afford to go to the NAC every single weekend for the season, they should take that as a hint that I still can’t, since I keep telling them every single time. I can’t tell them off completely since I actually still attend events and don’t want to be blacklisted (you don’t want to anger arts folk). No means no.  Stop calling me weekly! Really? Are you this hard up for cash that you hope that every week I’ll somehow be able to must the money to buy a seasons’ pass? I can’t afford a bus pass people.

And that’s a rant.

UPDATE: NAC called twice last week. I wish i was making this stuff up.

When they dipped that semi-god into the empowering water, are we really sure they didn’t have Achilles by the ankle, like really, how would you grab someone and hold them only by their heel, it just doesn’t make sense. I bet if you were able to go and check out stats as to what is more often injured, I bet the ankle is often injured 10 times more thn than heel. How many times have you heard “my heel hurts”… probably like once, and that was just that whiny little kid that no one liked in the first place, so you only half hear it, as you had become accustomed to tuning them out. Anyway, let’s just take a look at the ankle. One of the major joints of the body, that has to be able to hold up the entire weight of one’s self, and its the dinkiest little joint in the world. I think that somewhere along the evolution trail, they could have beefed up the ankle, even just the slightest, so poor saps like myself wouldn’t roll the damn thing on a yearly basis. And for those of you that haven’t had the pleasure of blowing a tire, congrats, I salute you and hope for your continuing conquest again “the roll”, as once you’ve done it once, you will be effed for life. Its like herpes (the gift that keeps on giving), it might be gone for awhile, but it will come back again, and again, and after awhile, you just learn to deal with it, maybe take it out on a few unlucky people, but hey, they’ll get over it.

So there really isn’t that much interesting about the show right? There is Ross, he is clearly a woman in disguise, talkative, annoying, nerdy, and slightly creepy in a stalker kind of way. Chandler is the ever lovable idiot who is afraid that he might too become a tranny like his father. Joey the man-slut, love him as long as he doesn’t live where I live. Monica is crazy, so crazy in fact that she works as a chef. Phoebe is the only normal one obviously.

There is one oddity in this mixed, this of course is Rachael. She was a smoking hotty back then, totatally bumpable. The thing that impresses of course is her ability to always have nip-ons. Those things were always on, I felt sometimes they deserved to be mentioned in the credits. They never were of course which really erks me (Yes erks me). Those things got me to continue watching the show. Nothing else interesting was happening. Joey slept with the stripper BIG DEAL, I question you this, who would be unable to seduce a stripper, outside of uggos and fatties?

I think it’s time to finally do away with abbreviations. We have taken a decent lazy concept and brought it to new heights. I assume that one of the first ones was PS at the end of the letter instead of Post Script. Decent enough, even enjoyable. But last week really crossed a line. I was watching an online episode of Corner Gas and the ad that played before it was letting me know about a BOGO sale. Really? BOGO. For those kids out of the know, that’s Buy One Get One. Would that be so hard to say. That 12 letters. That’s the same letter count as February 25th. Was that so hard? (thanks for all those who actually counted the letters/numbers) Buy One Get One. Yes shoe store, the time saved by me will allow me to shop and BOGO the hell out of my day! Stop it.

While I’m changing the world, stop typing lol. Stop it. What moron thought up that? Laugh out loud. No-one has ever muttered the phrase “Laugh out Loud” without trying to be ironic or hit on a drunk chick. Laughing out Loud is an action. What’s next? Frtd. That’s farted in internet terms. Or bmn. That’s blew my nose. See? Kinda stupid right. JUST TYPE HAHA. What’s so hard. We get it. Maybe I’m just bitter because when I was younger I tried to think of my own ones. I had wz^ for what’s up and g’night for good night. Basically the first one didn’t work because it looked like a cat just walked on your keyboard and the other one removed 3 letters and added an apostrophe.  So stop it. Just type full sentences. Your life isn’t that important. It’s really not. we im wa. (whatever I am walking away). See!! STUPID.

And that’s a rant.